Shady Shitting

I arrived in France not even a week ago and discovered to my surprise a regression of the French people. They have elimanated, the clearly unecessary components of a toilet - the toilet seat and toilet cover. Now understand that last year, they had already elimanated toilet paper - a discovery I first found out the hard way when I arrived in Lille. Clearly, I came prepared for this retaliation against civilization, only to come to this new development - no seat or cover. Why, you all wonder? Perhaps to avoid the temptation to sit! How does one shit? Well I have discovered two approaches to this ancient and yet still ever so baffling task. Position number one is to to balanace myself on the rim of the toilet. However, even for my fat ass the toilet is quite large and my underdeveloped ass muscles have some trouble maintaining the required balance. On an aside, I fell in twice already (once before). Position number 2 (this one is number 47 in the Kamma sutre) is to straddle the toilet - standing of course, and shit with my leg raised 35 degress in air (I measured the angle with a protractor). The major obstacle here is that there is a potential to get shit on your upper thigh. THe minor obstacle is that wiping is far more difficult. I learned this years ago when I would shit around the neighborhood and have to wipe my ass with parts of the local folliage. Can't make it home in time after school EVERYday for 7 years. Anyway, better than the alternative - shitting at school. However, what actually concerns me the most is not the current toitlet situation, but the future of toilets in France - and maybe the world. I mean if I come back next year, will they remove the toilet altogether and just leave me with a hole in the floor. And the following year, will I be expected to shit on the grass and drag my ass on the across the lawn to wipe? A quandry no doubt! The future of France is certainly a glum one. But what of all the places that draw from the influence of the French? Will they too spit in the face of technology and hygene? I grant you that the toilet has a confused history with no consensus on who actually invented it, though it seems to date back as far back as the Indus valley civilization (in current day western India stretching through the land of heroine and into Iran). Perhaps just the notion that it's not French was enough to set the trend in reverse. Maybe the toilet seat was elimanated to prevent people from sitting... or shitting. Maybe there was rampant ass diseases, like HIV, that plaugued the community and the only logical explanation was toilet seat sharing. Wear a condom people or better yet cover the seat with toilet paper before sitting. Perhaps its that spinning water makes them dizzy. I know it does for me - that's why I dont stare into the toilet anymore... I fell down a few years ago after I let a huge one loose. It was so big, I just couldn't resist seeing whether it would go down all in one piece or crack like an addict who could get his fix. I would tell you the result, but vertigo set in after about two turns around the bowl and I fell unconscience to the floor (the last moment I saw it - it was still one log). For those of you concerned about my fall...don't be. The toilet broke my head's fall... I think we just have to hope that other nations don't follow suit and that this does not become a world-wide trend.

Pooping with pride,
Jeff