The Biophysicist (say it with a lisp or don’t say it at all) gives out some free dating advice…

Lucky2bAlive: Hey – are you still in France?

TheBiophysicist: Umm...Hello. Yeah, still am.

Lucky2bAlive: I'm making you proud.

TheBiophysicist: Why? You finally gave up on women with Terrettes?

Lucky2bAlive: I had a date with a 27 y/o Latin chick.

Lucky2bAlive: ::Shakes fist::

TheBiophysicist: Congrats!

Lucky2bAlive: I know her through work.

TheBiophysicist: Anything "special" happen with her?

Lucky2bAlive: Yeah, she made it very clear to me that she wants to get into my pants.

TheBiophysicist: Did you feed her tacos or eat them from between her legs?

Lucky2bAlive: Neither. Both. I don’t know.

TheBiophysicist: Was there a two for 1 special on her bean burrito...Did she come with rice and beans or nachos?

Lucky2bAlive: Neither, but she was very forward in showing her interest in me, which, I’ll admit, caught me a bit off guard.

TheBiophysicist: Good...

Lucky2bAlive: There’s only one hitch… She has a kid.

TheBiophysicist: I was going to guess that…after all, she is Latin.

Lucky2bAlive: {Sigh}

Lucky2bAlive: I swear she said she's just looking for a good time. We know each other through work. She wants us to keep it on the d/l.

TheBiophysicist: Oh, so she’s ashamed of you.

Lucky2bAlive: No.

TheBiophysicist: You're not the Chipolte sauce in her enchilada?

Lucky2bAlive: She gets hit on by lots of Firefighters, and she finally said yes to one.

TheBiophysicist: What made her change her mind? Does she have trouble seeing? Or smelling?

Lucky2bAlive: I am not a normal firefighter. She's interested in my whole NY attitude and my non-Cuban treatment of women.

TheBiophysicist: When you say normal, you mean you didn‘t remove the hose before entering prison or the dick after?

Lucky2bAlive: But they (Cubans) have the wandering eye…either way, I found a Latin chick who wants to get in my pants.

TheBiophysicist: Well-done com-padre!

Lucky2bAlive: So, you’re still in France. When do you come back?

TheBiophysicist: Whenever I can swing my dick around my shoulder…

Lucky2bAlive: Cute. All right, give me a call when you get back.

TheBiophysicist: Try to get to second base before I get back.

Lucky2bAlive: She does have a huge rack. Nice ones…

TheBiophysicist: And from now on please refer to her privates as cheap Tex-mex food. Latin girls love that!

Lucky2bAlive: Um. No. Thanks for the advice though. I'm gonna just keep doing what I've been doing.

TheBiophysicist: Ah! A man with dignity and low expectations.

Lucky2bAlive: …and when she doesn't expect it, I’ll stick it in her ass!

TheBiophysicist: Good plan…keep it away from the baby hole.

Lucky2bAlive: I’ll just wrap it up and thrust, thrust, thrust...

TheBiophysicist: The baby hole is just like a bated fishing hook…

Lucky2bAlive: All right now, be safe. Don't get deported, arrested, or made into a man bitch.

TheBiophysicist: Once she has you...you're all but reeled in. Plus, abortion isn’t worthwhile, hangers just don’t give baby kebabs enough time to sweat out the fat.

Famous Flamboyance and Mushroom Mania

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The Germans, the French and the Jews

"SHOOTIN DA JUDEN" the people scream everywhere I go...shaking their fists in the air and spitting in disgust at the black hats and the blacks. Whether I'm in Lille, Paris, Berlin, Munich, Antwerp and home (mom has a nervous tick) it is all the same. Luckily, I look as goy as a bacon cheeseburger deluxe (with extra bacon and cheese...and more bacon), because if I did not they would be sure to beat me, mock my foreskinless penis and throw tax statements and bills at me. Tax statements are bound with paperclips...they hurt! I will never truely grasp the heart of anti-semitism, but I know that a simple, innocent and quite friendly conversation amongst twenty-something year olds can turn into a veritable bloodbath in moments after the word Jew is uttered. To some, it seems like the equivalent of smacking a lion in the face with a wildabeast carcas...it just pisses them off. How dare you use the J word!!! Mind you that other words or phrases like, chink, spick, fuck, shit, ass, pussy, butt-mongler, horse-fucker, cunt-face, Muslim, crackhead, tushi-toucher, poop-pusher, african-american and niggeraide (it's watermelon flavored!), are not only acceptable but comical to most. This is an outrage!

Last weekend, for instance, I was conversing with some bomb pedaling Muslims when I happened to let slip out the innocuous fact that I am a Jew. They immediately started speaking amongst themselves in Arabic and collectively decided to tell me that this was "not good". I couldnt believe it...it's not good!?! Its great!!! Not only am I a chosen person who can personally and privately interact with the almighty God, but I am a great financial planner by blood. I could help them with their accounting! However, much to my surprise they didn't care at all about conversing with God or accounting - instead they told me that they hate Jews because they are evil and they want to take over the world. Luckily, I was ready for this apt arguement and responded immediately, accurately and articulately that it is they who are human rats that feed off of the accomplishments of any society that is willing to include them. AND in cases where they are their own society they fight amongst themselves and accomplish nothing. On an unrelated note, I added that I talk to the devil and I was told to sacrifice Muslim children so that our cover for world domination (bagels, cream cheese and lox) would remain intact.

666
Damnation is eternal
Pain is fleeting
Burn your children to show your faith
To the great lord of the dead
Damnation is eternal

(Jews are trained to say this everyday until we get bar or bat-mitzvahed...then we talk about lox)

Shady Shitting

I arrived in France not even a week ago and discovered to my surprise a regression of the French people. They have elimanated, the clearly unecessary components of a toilet - the toilet seat and toilet cover. Now understand that last year, they had already elimanated toilet paper - a discovery I first found out the hard way when I arrived in Lille. Clearly, I came prepared for this retaliation against civilization, only to come to this new development - no seat or cover. Why, you all wonder? Perhaps to avoid the temptation to sit! How does one shit? Well I have discovered two approaches to this ancient and yet still ever so baffling task. Position number one is to to balanace myself on the rim of the toilet. However, even for my fat ass the toilet is quite large and my underdeveloped ass muscles have some trouble maintaining the required balance. On an aside, I fell in twice already (once before). Position number 2 (this one is number 47 in the Kamma sutre) is to straddle the toilet - standing of course, and shit with my leg raised 35 degress in air (I measured the angle with a protractor). The major obstacle here is that there is a potential to get shit on your upper thigh. THe minor obstacle is that wiping is far more difficult. I learned this years ago when I would shit around the neighborhood and have to wipe my ass with parts of the local folliage. Can't make it home in time after school EVERYday for 7 years. Anyway, better than the alternative - shitting at school. However, what actually concerns me the most is not the current toitlet situation, but the future of toilets in France - and maybe the world. I mean if I come back next year, will they remove the toilet altogether and just leave me with a hole in the floor. And the following year, will I be expected to shit on the grass and drag my ass on the across the lawn to wipe? A quandry no doubt! The future of France is certainly a glum one. But what of all the places that draw from the influence of the French? Will they too spit in the face of technology and hygene? I grant you that the toilet has a confused history with no consensus on who actually invented it, though it seems to date back as far back as the Indus valley civilization (in current day western India stretching through the land of heroine and into Iran). Perhaps just the notion that it's not French was enough to set the trend in reverse. Maybe the toilet seat was elimanated to prevent people from sitting... or shitting. Maybe there was rampant ass diseases, like HIV, that plaugued the community and the only logical explanation was toilet seat sharing. Wear a condom people or better yet cover the seat with toilet paper before sitting. Perhaps its that spinning water makes them dizzy. I know it does for me - that's why I dont stare into the toilet anymore... I fell down a few years ago after I let a huge one loose. It was so big, I just couldn't resist seeing whether it would go down all in one piece or crack like an addict who could get his fix. I would tell you the result, but vertigo set in after about two turns around the bowl and I fell unconscience to the floor (the last moment I saw it - it was still one log). For those of you concerned about my fall...don't be. The toilet broke my head's fall... I think we just have to hope that other nations don't follow suit and that this does not become a world-wide trend.

Pooping with pride,
Jeff